Precocious Porsche pedal power presently purchasable for prepubescents

The latest Porsche vehicle is four-wheeled and pedal-powered, and until he outgrows it, the brand-aspirational badging will make your 5-year-old the king of the Pinkberry.

The go-kart depicted above, which Porsche has adventurously called the "Go-Kart," breaks away from Porsche tradition in the manner of the Cayenne, Panamera, 928, 944, etc., in the sense that it's powered by an inline-two, also known as pedals. It's also a hybrid, running on a mixture of Gerber baby food and pure childhood hellion adrenaline. At $900, it's the perfect accessory if your kid lives in the sort of house whose square footage could double as a Mall Of America anchor store. It features low-profile tires with simulated center-lock rims as on the GT3 race cars -- but sadly, no Fuchs wheels will be optioned until Porsche decides to introduce a Go-Kart Sport Classic edition in about 60 years. A sport seat is fitted, yet Americans will most likely be denied even sportier seats from Europe. Orange paint mimics the garishness of a GT3 RS driven around Newport Beach, with fake air vents that suggest rear-engine placement. Neither the pedal brake nor the handbrake will be offered with a ceramic option.

The kart weighs a mere 55 pounds, which Porsche credits to what it calls "Porsche Intelligence Performance," a variable that differs depending on whether or not your child ate his Kashi GOLEAN this morning and whether the Baby Einstein "Playtime Music Box" tapes were played at sufficient volume through the night. Options like PTV (Porsche Toddler Vectoring) or PASM (Porsche Active Sleepytime Management) are available at launch. But like the recently released GT3 and Turbo, standard on all models is PDK—Porsche Diaperchängegetriebe, translated from the original German specifications.

Being a Porsche, of course, we would expect the power plant—legs—to be in the back, and the child should operate the vehicle facing reverse. A reverse-facing layout is the optimal child go-kart placement, as first theorized by Austrian psychoanalytic child psychologist Anna Freud, who once said, "We are imprisoned in the realm of life, like a sailor on his tiny boat, on an infinite ocean." She also once said, in her influential tome "The Psychoanalytic Study of the Child" that "children from the age of 5 can now be behind the wheel of a sporty Porsche machine." Oh wait. That was Porsche.

You can buy the new Porsche Go-Kart from the Porsche website or from participating Porsche dealers, where they will assure you that it will fit in a Cayenne or a Panamera. No word on whether leather-wrapped air-vent slats will be available through Porsche Exclusive for an additional $1,190.

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